A couple at NYC Downlow at Glastonbury

Individuals at NYC Downlow at Glastonbury. Image: Chris Bethell

It feels totally suitable that Coachella is the to start with audio competition to appropriately appear again in a publish-COVID world. From across the pond, Coachella has constantly seemed like a entirely sanitised version of a festival: No person sets tents on fireplace. Nobody has fallen into a portaloo whole of poo to get their cellphone. No one has tenting intercourse with a muddy stranger to the tune of other people pissing from the facet of their tent. (People, I’m willing to be proved wrong – do your worst, Coachella weekend 2.) 

For most men and women in the British isles, shagging at a festival and obtaining intercourse in a tent is a rite of passage. In my occasion while, the most noteworthy event of pageant intercourse in my daily life didn’t even include myself. Photograph this: Your tent collapses during a large comedown and torrential downpour on the very last day of a fezzie in Yorkshire. You climb into the closest tent – your mate’s two-person pink pop-up – to go back to snooze. You wake up and your pal is gone, but an additional mate is there using a person whose virginity she is using. 

Understanding that this is a really critical time in the lad’s lifetime, you make your mind up to pretend to keep asleep and enable them get on with it. On completion, your good close friend (the virginity taker) tells her new beau to drive you off the air mattress since you’re asleep and won’t experience it. You scream out “NO”. Anyone in the tent screams. This is how not to have intercourse at a festival.

Which occurs to be the reverse of the rationale I’m crafting this list, so let’s soar correct into the best techniques to have sex at a festival and additional importantly, how to have great sexual intercourse at a festival.

Get it completed ASAP

“The earlier on in the competition you can do the deed, the improved it is for everybody involved,” Dom, a 28-year-aged top shagger who dropped her v plates at Reading fest, encourages. “You’re nevertheless considerably clean up, your tent hasn’t been destroyed with mud and spilled booze and you however have the electrical power to place in a excellent total of hard work.”

These clever words and phrases couldn’t be truer. Why have sex with a body drenched in 3rd day competition sweat when you could be knee-deep in someone’s refreshing, just-arrived-at-the-festival bits as an alternative? Just after yet another pal confides she contracted cystitis from sex at Glastonbury and experienced to invest most of it in a portaloo, the very important to have sexual intercourse early on will come with an included wellbeing reward of not experience like you are pissing razorblades for the weekend. You can get a UTI from microbes entering your urethra and to place it simply, rubbing your unwashed privates jointly is a possible 1-quit shop for filling your urinary tract with poisonous microorganisms.

Bring your own tent

If another person else has honest rights to wander into your tent at any minute – just in time to see you mounting another competition goer – it’s in all probability not the best put to bang. Out of all the areas at a pageant you could shag in, the tent is the only really feasible possibility. Choose it from me and my quite unique practical experience in this, getting eaten out in a portaloo is truly fucking disgusting, no make any difference how quite a few pills you have taken.

By bringing your very own tent, you not only ensure a little bit of privacy when little one wiping your bits and making an attempt to get a pair of several hours slumber, you also have a own space in which to mattress a lover. More bits of advice from campers I reached out to contain “don’t use a torch, for the reason that all people will see what you’re doing” and “avoid the air mattress, it ruins the rhythm – or even worse, it could explode on you”. As good as any shag is, likely the rest of the pageant with out an air bed just is not worth it.

Never do oral

If you individually favor the flavor of sweaty smelly cock to somewhat thoroughly clean cock, then dive right in child. But for common cleanliness sake, this a single couldn’t be far more essential. As your mother would say: Put it down, you really don’t know the place it is been. 

Do it when another person excellent is enjoying

Through investigate for this characteristic, a mate told me he missed Dolly Parton at Glastonbury in order to get a very good banging session in. This stage of commitment to shagging can make it truly worth the affront to Dolly – while apparently, the queues to see her ended up abominable – and is the kind of motivation we all need to exhibit in direction of orgasming in a tent. 

By sacrificing viewing anyone course (or possibly, an individual you imagine is overrated who will draw crowds), you can almost assurance the camp web site will be a great deal emptier than normal and give you enough privacy to do the deed. You may perhaps also get the additional reward of possessing an absolutely class soundtrack to accompany your shag. If you time it just correct, you could even align the appears of the crowd cheering with your massive O. 

Do not be a dick

Although currently being at a pageant can change you into a feral edition of on your own who pisses in a cup to not lose your place in the group, it does not imply all morals really should instantly be dropped. When pulling at a fezzie and when shagging at a fezzie, the same regulations utilize as in the authentic globe. If your appreciate buddy is far too drunk or substantial to consent effectively – which they’re additional than likely going to be at 3AM in the drum and bass tent – never get with them. Have a pageant wank in its place (this is a entire distinctive short article).

Prepare in progress

Just like bringing your possess tent, there are other precautionary actions you can choose just in situation you get a prospect to be a best shagger. The principal just one being to bring wipes. Not just a person pack. Much more wipes than anyone could potentially require. Empty a shelf at Property Bargains and bring them all with you. 

Excess necessities include condoms, hand sanitiser, a pillow, breath spray, tissues – no matter what aids to include to the pretence that you are possessing typical sex and not grim competition campsite sex. 

For a large amount of us – whether or not relationship an individual or not – shagging at a fez is an inevitability in our lives. Not only that, but it is a entertaining addition to a prolonged weekend only dedicated to enjoyment. While it may possibly make you really feel like complete filth when detailing the event to your pals, an included sexy layer to the festivities can make for a acquire in anybody’s book. Now you are totally prepared, go forth and bonk like you really do not have to go again to a everyday living of tasks and Slack messages on Tuesday morning.


By Indana